10 tips for a happy relationship

Two women looking happy by a canal

1. Talk constructively

How you say things is as important as what you’re saying. If you and your partner are having a disagreement, don’t just attack them or go all-out criticising. Why not try using ‘I’ statements? By saying ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You always…’ you’re taking responsibility for your emotions and your partner won’t feel like they’re being blamed for everything. Try our three tips for improving communication with your partner.

2. Listen to each other

Listening is such an important tool in relationships. Sometimes, we find it hard to hear what our partner is saying because we’re so wrapped up in our own emotions. Remember that communication works two ways. Listening to your partner is the only way to know what’s really going on with them.

3. Don’t bottle things up

If something has upset you, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favours by keeping it to yourself. This is only likely to cause resentment to build up that will come out in other ways. If it’s something that really matters to you, talk about it.

4. Keep things fresh

It’s a cliché, but making the effort to keep things fun and interesting in your relationship can really make a big difference. It’s easy to get complacent about having someone in your life, but this kind of attitude can also lead to boredom and dissatisfaction. Let your partner know you appreciate having them around by surprising them occasionally.

5. Let go of the little stuff

Although it’s good to talk when you’ve got something on your mind, your relationship is going to be like a battleground if you can’t ever let things slide. If it’s something that, all things considered, doesn’t actually matter that much, why not just forget about it? Nobody’s perfect – and you probably do stuff that your partner finds annoying too!

6. Appreciate what you have

Many people end up looking outside their relationship because they think there’s someone out there who is ‘better’ for them. Relationships aren’t about finding the ‘perfect partner’ – whatever that means. They’re about allowing the connection you do have to develop and grow. The strongest relationships are usually the ones that have been given the time to flourish.

7. Give each other space

Although it’s great spending quality time together, don’t forget you both need to nurture your interests and friendships. Couples who spend every moment in each other’s pockets can easily begin to feel unfulfilled when they realise that their personal interests have started to slip. Allow each other to spend time on the things you enjoy separately. When you reconvene as a couple you’ll be pleased to see each other and have lots to talk about. Try our four steps for setting healthy boundaries in your relationship.

8. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself

It’s easy to worry about whether your relationship is as good as it ‘should’ be. Just as we can get wrapped up in having the best clothes or latest gadgets, we can worry about having relationships that are as exciting and passionate as the ones we see depicted in movies or hear about in songs. Relationships aren’t about constantly feeling butterflies – we all have our own unique ways of experiencing them and you’ll know what’s right for you. Enjoy yours for what it is – and be grateful that it’s there!

9. Avoid jealousy and build trust

Jealousy can destroy relationships, and nothing is less attractive than the green eyed monster. If you’re worried your partner isn’t giving you enough attention, try the open, honest approach rather than acting out or accusing them of looking elsewhere. Building mutual trust is the key to banishing unhealthy emotions and remaining strong together.

10. Work on it

It’s not always the most popular way of thinking about them, but relationships can be work. They need to be nurtured and given the space and attention they deserve. Communication isn’t something to do only occasionally – it should be a constant. It’s only by not taking your relationship for granted that your connection will stay strong. But the rewards, as anyone in a happy relationship knows, are more than worth the effort.

Me and my partner have really different attitudes towards parenting

It can be really worrying when you and your partner have different attitudes towards parenting.

We often imagine that the person who’s right for us will have similar opinions on big stuff like this, so if they don’t it can feel like a bad sign. Ideas about parenting in particular can be a surprise as couples often only realise they’ve got different approaches after they have kids.

However, having different ideas on this topic doesn’t have to create big problems in your relationship. Reaching a compromise just requires a little effort, communication and cooperation.

Where do parenting styles come from?

Your approach to parenting may have come from how you were raised as a child. Many of us try to give our own children the upbringing we had – or, if we didn’t have a particularly happy one, the upbringing we wished we’d had.

Parents often end up digging in when it comes to parenting styles as neither one is willing to back down on ideas they began to learn when they were very young.

Creating tension

Fighting over parenting isn’t good for anyone. It can cause real tension between you and your partner – even if your relationship was really harmonious before you had kids.

And it can create an uneven dynamic for the children themselves. Children are very good at picking up on when their parents have different ideas. If they know they can’t get permission to do something from one parent, they might just go to the other.

Staying on the same page

If you find that having different parenting styles is causing problems in your relationship, you might find the following tips useful.

  • Talk about it. And that means really talk about it. Listen to what each other has to say – instead of refusing to budge. Choose a time when you’re both already calm – not during another argument, for instance – and speak honestly and respectfully to each other. It might sound obvious, but don’t have this talk in front of the children. You might like to cover the topics that most commonly cause issues between parents: discipline, sleep, food and schoolwork. Identify any areas where you two aren’t on the same page and try to figure out why.
  • Understand where your partner’s coming from. It can be really useful to get an idea of how your partner came to form the ideas on parenting that they did. Talk about they were brought up – and share the same for you. Knowing where your partner’s ideas come from can help you sympathise their perspective more easily.
  • Try to give and take with your partner. Rather than ‘compromise’, which can end up with both parties feeling they didn’t get their way, try a ‘reciprocity negotiation’. This means finding one or two very specific changes you are willing to make. For example: ‘If you can bath our daughter every night and, in return, I will get her to sleep’. When you work together, you strengthen your parenting and feel great about working as a team.
  • Check in regularly. It’s important that you keep talking about things so you can stay up to date with how each other is feeling and head off any new conflicts before they develop. It might sounds a little clinical, but you could even organise a monthly chat where you both touch base on how things are going and discuss anything that’s been causing tension. Staying connected to each other is going help you parent together much more effectively – and will help your relationship stay strong too.

If you’re struggling with your relationship Relate provides a safe space where you can talk about things openly.

  • Book an appointment by calling 01908 310010

Why is sex so important?

Cate Campbell in interview

Our sex lives can be wonderfully reassuring when they go well, but we all have times when we don’t feel so close to our partner and sex isn’t working the way we’d like it to.

That’s why we’ve published The Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy with Vermillion.

The book aims aims to help people turn things around and recapture their passion for sex. It looks at why sex and intimacy are so important to our relationships, what it is that stops us from enjoying sex and also covers topics such as sexual secrets, what it means to be ‘good’ in bed, and how to communicate effectively about what we want.

It’s also full of practical exercises and recommendations to help you take control, develop your relationship intimacy and revitalise your sex life.

Want further support?

  • Book an appointment for Sex Therapy by calling 01908 310010

Everything my partner does irritates me

Finding everything your partner does irritating can be stressful, worrying and frustrating. It can make you feel like your relationship is a burden instead of a positive thing in your life.

Once you get to the point where you no can no longer enjoy your partner’s company, solving any existing relationship issues becomes much more difficult, as you may find you’re unable to talk about anything without it turning into an argument.

Unfortunately, this isn’t usually the kind of problem that fixes itself. It’s important to try to start a dialogue with your partner about any issues that may be causing these feelings of irritation before they build up any further.

Letting things go

First off, it can be worth remembering that finding someone we’ve been around for a while a little annoying from time to time is normal. Familiarity can make even the most endearing behaviours seem a little tedious and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself if your irritation isn’t actually making it hard for your relationship to function.

Sometimes, a little perspective is all that’s needed. Think about all the things that you like about your partner and try to recognise how lucky you are to have someone that makes you feel safe and appreciated, even if they occasionally get on your nerves. And remember: you probably have a few habits they find irritating too!

Talking about space

If this is becoming a real problem for you, it may be that you need to renegotiate your boundaries.

Sometimes, partners can have very different ideas on what is an acceptable level of contact – both physical and emotional. They may be comfortable spending all their time with you, whereas you might want a little more ‘me’ time. They may always want to make plans together, whereas you might like to do stuff by yourself or just with your friends sometimes.

Speaking to your partner about this is likely to reduce at least some of the tension you’ve been feeling.

Find time to sit down and talk when you’re not already feeling annoyed. Don’t phrase your comments as an attack. Acknowledge that things haven’t been as good as they could be recently and that you think it would be a good idea to communicate.

Listen to each other and acknowledge each other’s opinion. Try not to lose your temper or make criticisms – that’s only likely to create more conflict.

Dealing with wider issues

If your irritation is so constant and strong that it’s threatening your relationship, it may be that you need to think about any issues that could be causing it. Often, the things we get annoyed about in relationship aren’t really what’s bothering us. Sometimes, there are things beneath the surface that we’re avoiding thinking about.

If you’re honest with yourself, are there any areas about your relationship that you’re not sure about – any sources of anxiety or resentment? Again, change can be a big source of stress and tension. Even if things were fine before, a shift in circumstance can be enough create problems where there were none before. Sometimes this can happen without you even noticing.

Getting these feelings out in the open is the best way to deal with them. This kind of conversation isn’t always necessarily easy – especially if things have already become fractious and tense. Relationship Counselling can be a great way of speaking honestly with your partner about your relationship.

If you’re struggling with your relationship Relate provides a safe space where you can talk about things openly.

  • Book an appointment by calling 01908 310010

Teaching creeps up on you

Teaching creeps up on you and lifts time from your back pocket without you noticing

Our latest survey of the nation’s relationships The Way We Are Now 2015 reveals 22% of people work longer hours than they choose and it’s damaging their health. It also reveals that 94% of relationship practitioners agree that being unhappy or under pressure at work has a damaging impact on relationships at home.

In this guest blog, teacher and blogger Tom Starkey (Stack of Marking) talks about how the pressures of his job have affected his home life.

Teaching is an odd job. It’s a combination of performance and administration, toughness and empathy. There are highs and lows which are often to be found in extremely quick succession (depending on which classes appear on your timetable on that particular day).

There’s an inherent nobility in teaching, but you’re often derided by politicians and the media for not doing it well enough, or fast enough, or too well, or too slowly or with too much glitter and glue or whatever the latest set of exam results do or do not indicate. These exterior pressures are matched and often exceeded by the pressure we put ourselves under to try and do the best we possibly can for those in our charge.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some great benefits too. The holidays are an epic thing of beauty, we get the chance to try and improve the lives of young people on a daily basis and when things are going well there are few professions as fulfilling. It’s a job that has given me great joy over the years, but without a doubt, it has also taken much out of me.

And the ones I love.

Because teaching is also a sneaky bugger. It creeps up on you and lifts time from your back pocket without you noticing. It relentlessly demands your attention and efforts and doesn’t give you much in the way of praise, affirmation or even a measly pat on the back – all the while whispering to you that it’s alright, the sacrifice is worth it – it’s for the kids after all.

It takes. And when a job does that, it has to take from somewhere.
“Teaching is a sneaky bugger. It creeps up on you and lifts time from your back pocket without you noticing.”

Every night spent marking to midnight and beyond, every weekend planning lessons, every moment going the extra mile just to make sure things run smoothly is a small withdrawal. Sometimes that withdrawal is in the form of time with partners and spouses. Sometimes it’s in the form of a lack of attention to the needs of those around you. Sometimes it’s in the form of your absence; either physically or emotionally.

There are arguments, caused by an unspoken resentment of the concentration of effort made seemingly everywhere but the home. There’s worry as partners see those that they care for slip away into fatigue and depression. Sunday nights become unbearable as the prospect of the working week dilutes the precious time you do have at home with a dose of anxiety about what lies ahead. These withdrawals may seem small, even meaningless in the moment, but they add up.

I’ve been guilty of this absence myself. The result is a distance from those who I should be closest to because they care.

I’m lucky. I’m lucky because I recognized this fairly early on in my career and because I’m married to someone who put up with me while I did. I took steps to try to make sure that teaching didn’t take away the things that were most important.
“Sunday nights become unbearable as the prospect of the working week dilutes the precious time you do have at home with a dose of anxiety about what lies ahead.”

I’ve turned down management roles as I knew it would only compound the problem of workload (and to be completely honest, I’d be absolutely awful at it). I’ve protected time designated for my wife like a bodyguard tasked with ensuring the safety of an important foreign dignitary. I try to combat issues such as behaviour, deadlines, targets with a detached irreverence where formerly they would have led to anxiety, even depression.

But it’s not easy. There’s always that whispering voice – and even now I often find myself ringing home to cancel something we had planned or looking up at the clock in a classroom and realising I’ve got approximately seven minutes to get across town to a restaurant that is at least half an hour away. I sometimes stare into space with my family around me, my mind firmly set on the horrors of Monday’s second lesson until my wife gently coaxes me back to the great things going on at the present moment.

The difference now is that I care. It registers. I feel bad and I want to make it up. Teaching is an important job, but ultimately -the same with any job – that is all it is. As is so often the case, the real work needs to be done at home because that’s where you end up when the bell goes.

That’s the lesson I’ve learned.

Need to talk to someone? Relate provides a safe space where you can talk about things openly.

  • Book an appointment by calling 01908 310010

How to cope with loneliness

How to cope with loneliness

Our new survey of the nation’s relationships The Way We Are Now 2015 reveals that one in ten of us has no close friends – the same finding from our report last year.

Being lonely affects you in lots of ways. It can reduce your confidence, make you feel less optimistic, even make it harder to identify with others. Loneliness can feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy – the longer you go without friends, the harder it can be to make new ones.

And if you’re in a relationship, it can put that relationship under a lot of pressure – as it effectively puts your partner in the position of fulfilling all your social needs.

So what should you do if you don’t have any close friends but want to make some? It can be a daunting prospect. If you’re finding it difficult, you might find the following tips useful.
■Get to know yourself first. Have a good think about what it is you find difficult about making friends and how you might go about addressing it. It may be that you don’t feel confident enough to approach new people. You may worry that you aren’t likeable enough. Or it may have been so long since you made a friend that you simply can’t remember how to do it. Knowing what you need to work on gives you a focus – and can help you to understand your current situation better. If you’re finding things tricky, Relationship Counselling works for single people too. Your counsellor can help you identify any emotional patterns or habits and help you think about how to change them.
■Put yourself in new situations. If you don’t have many friends at work and spend most of your free time at home, it can feel like you never have a chance to meet anyone new. But sometimes you have to create your own opportunities. Although it’s a cliché, clubs or social groups are great places to meet others with similar interests to your own. Sites like Meetup, Badoo and even Facebook all list events where people can socialize. Volunteering, too, can be a great way of meeting new people while doing something fulfilling.
■Practice. Although it may sound a little clinical, making friends requires a set of skills that you can develop over time. It may take a few attempts before you’re able to get over the awkwardness of striking up a conversation with someone you haven’t met before or holding small talk in an unfamiliar situation. But be patient with yourself and give it time. Before you know it, your confidence will begin to grow.
■Reconnect with old friends. It’s not just about making new friends! Think about whether there’s anyone you used to see more regularly that it would be nice to reconnect with. We sometimes assume that, because they haven’t been in contact, old friends won’t be interested to hear from us – but they may be assuming the same thing about you! If there’s someone you’d like to catch up with, why not drop them a line?
■Be persistent. Making new friends can be tricky and you can’t necessarily expect results really fast. If you need a break, take one. But don’t let setbacks put you off. Instead of focusing on having immediate success, try to enjoy the process. See building up your confidence and getting involved in new things as an end in itself. Our social circles tend to evolve organically when we provide the right environment.

Want to talk to someone? Relate provides a safe space where you can talk about things openly.

  • Book an appointment by calling 01908 310010